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FYI, that’s “Free DF” as in “liberate DF,” not as in “DF costs nothing,” though I suppose both are technically accurate. Anyway, as the title suggests, I write to thee from the bowels of a prison deep below the earth here in Buenos Aires, Argentina. [A prison that somehow magically has a computer and internet access, apparently.—ed.] It turns out that during a sojourn here in Bs As, a city that more than merits its flattering nickname, “the Mexico City of South America,” I inadvertently committed the worst criminal offense imaginable in this particular nation.

So you see, it appears that Argentines are cool with things like bribing officials at the World Cup and disappearing tens of thousands of political oppositionists, but when a fun-loving, yerba-mate-fuelled Americano, such as DF, parades down the broad Avenida 9 de Julio chanting “U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!” while hoisting a huge photoshopped picture of Eva Peron making out with Diego Maradona, their lax approach to criminal sanctions no longer applies.

Hence I will not be able to make this weekend’s exciting tilt between the Fight Crew and the Tough Cookies, but only due to incarceration. Nor, frankly, is this the first time that incarceration has prevented me from attending an LADD match.

For example, in October 2008, I had to miss LADD Champs when I had one too many virgin mint juleps in New Orleans Square at Disneyland. The last thing I remember was barging in on the Electric Light Parade, then taking a swing at one of those humanoid Goofy simulacra while calling Aladdin an “effete Leninist stooge.” That one landed me in the Anaheim pokey for a good while.

Oh yes, and then in January 2009 up in Bakersfield, I was wrongly arrested when the local authorities refused to credit my argument that urinating publicly outside a bar was an act of constitutionally protected self-expression. The message of this self-expression, I explained to my cellmate at exhaustive length that evening, was that I really needed to take a piss and had been kicked out of the bar. Isn’t that what the First Amendment’s all about?

Finally, back in February 2010, I did a stint at the Wayside Honor Rancho for practicing law without a license. This one was bogus too; I did have a license to practice law, one that I’d written in crayon on a five-by-eight index card that read, “I AM TOTALLY A LAWYER!!!” I explained to the judge that I hadn’t violated the law because it didn’t say you had to practice law with a valid license, but The Man wasn’t having any of it, likely because he was on the take and/or lacked the cranial capacity to understand the subtlety of my argumentation.

All this having been said, nothing short of incarceration could stop DF from going to see and support his most beloved and delicious LA Derby Dolls in action. And while I cannot be there in person thanks to my international imprisonment, I heartily urge you to take advantage of your relative freedom to enjoy what will be the last roller derby before summer hiatus. And it promises to be quite a bout. Both Crew and Cookies find themselves bringing up the rear of the LADD standings, though at a mere 0-1 there’s plenty of room to move on up, Jeffersons-style. The winner will vault into the thick of the Champs race; the loser will have to spend hiatus ruing their status in the basement. Tix are still available here but going fast, so buy ‘em while the buying’s good and get your fool asses to the Doll Factory to soak up the classic thrills chills and spills that only the inimitably rad LADD experience can afford. And don’t cry for DF, y’all. I’ll be done with my South American political-prisoner stint and back in LA before hiatus is up. In the meantime, ¡¡¡¡viva la lucha libre!!!!

Photos by Snap Shock and Mia More. All (C) 2011 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved.

April, as the man sez, is the cruelest month, because it looks nice out but it’s really ball-shrivelingly cold, and there are all kinds of snails and whatnot underfoot, which is kind of gross. You know who said that? Shakespeare, emm-effers! DF knows that because he is smart, and also because he is well-read. And do you know what Shakespeare’s favorite sport was? Why, it was roller derby, of course! Don’t believe? Watch, I’ll prove it.

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. –Macbeth. Well, here the Bard was clearly trying to do a little preview of his own, referring to this weekend’s bout ‘twixt the Sirens and Fight Crew as something wicked awesome that is coming this very Saturday. As for the thumb-prick part, this clearly suggests Shakespeare was into some weird sexual shit, but hey—let’s not judge the guy, and we all know that writers are kinda freaky on that front.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair. –Macbeth. Ah yes, here Bill S. was clearly taking a shot at the refs, suggesting that their judgments are inconsistent. Apparently Shakespeare is a Tough Cookies fan, and is still smarting over their upset loss against the Varsity Brawlers a couple weekends ago. But that’s no reason to be a whiner, Shakie—the Brawlers won that one fair and square!

Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night. –Romeo & Juliet. Shakespeare was a horny old bastard, which explains why he always wore a codpiece. Here, he’s referring to some impossible fan crush he has on a derby girl. Who is it? I’ll never tell—because I honestly have no idea.

So as these three examples clearly illustrate, all literary critics to date saying that Shakespeare wrote about love, or revenge, or tragic flaws were all 100% wrong. Shakespeare wrote about one and only one thing, the greatest theme of all—roller derby! And I have only one beef with the Bard on this score. What the hell is so cruel about April, you high-frilled-collar wearing freak? April is awesome, because there are not one but two eminently radical bouts for your viewing pleasure. Two weekends ago, the upstart Brawlers upset the three-time defending champion Tough Cookies, and this Saturday, April 16, two of LADD’s OG sides, the Sirens and the Fight Crew, will wage war on ye olde banked track. After the last bout, the standings are all in a jumble, so this bout will determine early season supremacy. Tixes are still available here y’all, and as Bill Shakespeare himself might say, “Buy thy tickets now, and hie ye hence to the Doll Factory, to quaff deep of the derby, which is the very stuff of life itself.”

Image by Sinnerama based on a photo by Joe Rollerfan. (C) 2011 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved. Email df at losanjealous dot com with commentary and recommendations for foods that won’t give him diarrhea (and good goddamned luck with that). Then follow DF on Twitter to see if your recommendations worked! (Hint: they will not have worked.)